1800
Joseph Marie Jacquard teaught a loom to read punch cards, creating the first heavily multi-threaded processing unit. His invention was fiercely opposed by the silk-weavers who foresaw the birth of Skynet.
1842
Ada Lovelace gets bored of being noble and scribbles in a notebook what will later be known as the first published computer program, only slightly inconvenienced by the fact that there were no computers around at the time.
1936
Alan Turing invents everything, the British courts do not approve and have him chemically castrated.
The Queen later pardoned him, but unfortunately he had already been dead for centuries at that time.
1936
Alonzo Church also invents everything with Turing, but from across the pond and was not castrated by the Queen.
1957
John Backus creates FORTRAN which is the first language that real programmers use.
1959
Grace Hopper invents the first enterprise ready business oriented programming language and calls it the “common business-oriented language” or COBOL for short.
1964
John Kemeny and Thomas Kurtz decided that programming was too hard and they needed to go back to their basics, they called their programming language BASIC.
1970
Niklaus Wirth made Pascal a thing along with a number of other languages, he liked making languages.
He also invented Wirth’s law which made Moore’s law obsolete because software developers will write so bloated software that even mainframes cannot keep up. This was later be proved to be true with the invention of Electron.js.
1972
Dennis Ritchie got bored during work hours at Bell Labs so he decided to make C which had curly braces so it ended up being a huge success. Afterwards he added segmentation faults and other developer friendly features to aid productivity.
Still having a couple of hours remaining he and his buddies at Bell Labs decided to make an example program demonstrating C, they make a operating system called Unix.
1980
Alan Kay invented an object oriented programming and called it Smalltalk, in Smalltalk everything is an object, even an object is an object. No one really has time to understand the meaning of small talk.
1987
Larry Wall had a religious experience, became a preacher and made Perl the doctrine.
1983
Jean Ichbiah noticed that Ada Lovelace programs never actually ran and decided to create a language with her name but the language continues to be not run.
1986
Brac Box and Tol Move decided to make an unreadable version of C based on Smalltalk which they called Objective-C but no one was able to understand the syntax.
1983
Bjarne Stroustrup travelled to the future and noticed that C is not taking enough time to compile, he added every feature he could think of to the language and named it C++.
Programmers everywhere adopted it so they have genuine excuses to watch cat videos and read xkcd while working.
1991
Guido van Rossum didn’t like culy braces and invents Python, syntax choices were inspired by Monty Python and the Flying Circus.
1993
Roberto lerusalimschy and friends decided they need a scripting language local to Brazil, during localization an error was made that made indices start counting from 1 instead of 0, they named it Lua.
1994
Rasmus made a template engine for his personal homepage CGI scripts, he released his dotfiles on the web.
The world decided to use these dotfiles for everything and in a frenzy Rasmus threw some extra database bindings in there for the heck of it and called it PHP.
1995
Yukihiro Matsumoto was not very happy, he noticed other programmers were not happy. He created Ruby to make programmers happy. After creating Ruby “Matz” is happy, the Ruby community finally were happy, and now everyone is happy.
1995
Brendan Eich took the weekend off to design a language that was to be be used to power every single web browser in the world power and eventually Skynet . He originally went to Netscape and said it was called LiveScript but Java became popular during the code review so they decided they better use curly braces and rename it to JavaScript.
Java turned out to be a trademark that would get them in trouble, JavaScript later gets renamed to ECMAScript and everyone still calls it JavaScript.
1996
James Gosling invented Java, the first truly overly verbose object oriented programming language where design patterns rule supreme over pragmatism.
It is super effective as the manager provider container provider service manager singleton manager provider pattern is born.
2001
Anders Hejlsberg re-invented Java and called it C# because programming in C felt cooler than Java. Everyone loved this new version of Java for totally not being like Java.
2005
David Hanselmeyer Hansen created a web framework called Ruby on Rails, people no longer remember that as the two are separate things.
2006
John Resig wrote a helper library for JavaScript, everyone thought it’s a language and made careers of copy and pasting jQuery codes from the internets.
2009
Ken Thompson and Rob Pike decided to make a language like C, but with more safety equipment and more marketable and with Gophers as mascots.
They called it Go, made it open source and sell Gopher branded kneepads and helmets separately.
2010
Graydon Hoare also wanted to make a language like C, he called it Rust. Everyone demanded that every single piece of software to be rewritten in Rust immediately. Graydon wanted shinier things and started working on Swift for Apple.
2012
Anders Hjelsberg wanted to write C# in web browsers, he designed TypeScript which is now JavaScript but with more Java in it.
2013
Jeremy Ashkenas wanted to be happy like Ruby developers so he createed CoffeeScript which compiled to be JavaScript but looked more like Ruby. Jeremy never became truly happy like Matz and Ruby developers.
2014
Chris Lattner made Swift with the primary design goal of not being Objective-C, and at the end it looked like Java.